By Leo Babauta

Sometimes your mind can get fixated on something, and it just won’t let go. For some people, this happens a lot — sometimes more than they realize.

How can you tell if your mind won’t let go of something? Some signs:

  • You won’t let go of an argument

  • You’re known for always wanting to be right

  • You replay conversations in your mind, arguing internally

  • You stew over an offense for a long time

  • You hold grudges

  • You get frustrated a lot because things aren’t the way you like them

  • People get tired of you complaining or being frustrated by the same things over and over

  • You regret things strongly, and wish you could go back and redo key moments of your life

  • You can’t forgive yourself for things you’ve done

A mind that fixates is a human thing, but if you’re unable to let go, your mind becomes more and more rigid.

And this can affect your relationships, your ability to focus on the present moment, and your happiness.

I’m not saying that this tendency to fixate the mind is a bad thing. There’s a strength to it, a protectiveness, a fire. But what if you want to have a more fluid mind, and let go? Maybe for a bit of peace of mind?

Let’s look at how to let go.

Why the Mind Fixates

Let’s start with why the mind fixates on something in the first place. Let’s assume it’s not because the mind hates your happiness, or is dumb.

The mind desires things the way it wants things to be — and that desire is completely natural. We want things the way we like them. The fixation comes when we get strongly attached to things being the way we want them to be.

Why would we become strongly attached? Because of fear — we’re afraid that if things aren’t the way we want them to be, then we won’t be OK.

For example:

  • If I’m wrong about an argument, then my fear might be that people will think I’m dumb

  • If I don’t defend myself against someone else’s criticism, then my fear might be that I’m not a good person (or won’t be seen as a good person)

  • If I don’t hold on to a grudge or resentment, then my fear might be that people will just walk all over me and disrespect me

  • If I am frustrated about things not being the way I want them, then my fear might be that if thing aren’t that way, I won’t have control over a scary situation

Do any of these sound familiar? Your mind’s fear might be in one of those. Or maybe there’s another fear — but it’s likely to be a fear that you won’t be OK for some reason.

How to Let Go

Knowing why our minds fixate — because of fear — might help us to understand how we can start to let go.

We have to first simply acknowledge the fear. We’re afraid we won’t be OK. That’s an understandable fear to have! It’s totally OK to have that fear, and to have a mind that’s fixated because of it.

Next, we might ask, “What does my fear need, in order to feel that I’ll be OK?” The first reaction might be: “I need things to be the way I want them to be!” Which is, of course, the belief underlying the mind’s tendency to attachment.

But what if you didn’t need things to be that way, in order to be OK? What if you could trust that you’ll be OK no matter how things turn out? See if you can imagine yourself being OK, even if you’re not right about things, even if someone thinks bad things about you, even if you do something embarrassing, even if things aren’t just the way you want them to be?

If you can believe in that … then what would your fear need to feel that you’ll be OK? For me, I simply need a deeper breath, a little presence, and a little love.

Then I don’t need for things to be any way.

How to Practice Letting Go

Let’s take all of that and put it into practice:

  1. Notice when your mind is fixated. This will usually be accompanied by frustration, or an inability to let go of an argument or offense. And tightness in your body and mind. If all you do is notice this, you’ll be making huge progress.

  2. Pause and acknowledge the fear. Breathe for a moment. Notice that your fear that you won’t be OK is causing you to be attached and tight. Notice that it’s frustrating you. Now simply acknowledge the fear, breathe, give it some presence and love.

  3. Remind yourself that you’ll be OK no matter what. Start to develop a deep trust in your OK-ness, by reminding yourself that being right, or being offended, or having things your way … aren’t required for you to be OK. You can be OK no matter how things turn out. Trust in that.

  4. Now let go. Breathe, and acknowledge that you could be wrong. Acknowledge that the other person might have had good intentions. Acknowledge that you don’t need things to be your way. Forgive the other person, or yourself. Feel how loving and open this is.

I don’t expect each of these steps to be easy. That’s OK, we don’t have to be attached to doing it right! Just practice. See what happens, with a mind that’s curious.

And then see what might happen if you let your mind release, and be fluid. See what kind of openness might come.